How Can You Love Yourself More?
The Art of Self-Development
To stand firmly, a chair needs at least three legs to stand on. On fewer, it will not be able to stand on its own or remain stable, and it’s interesting because the same can be said about our sense of identity, and our professional lives.
If, for example, you’re relying solely on one stream of income or one thing you like about yourself, then the first hiccup you face will immediately knock you off of your path.
That’s not such a bad thing, though, because sometimes you need to hit rock bottom so that you can find yourself.
Earlier today, my phone triggered a serendipity notification from my journaling application, in which I save article clippings from authors I’m very fond of and other sources of inspiration or information.
Sometimes being so focused on your own imperfections, you forget that in order to give something to others, you first have to have it yourself. — Oliwia Wilk
The timing is quite funny because I’m about to turn 28 and I haven’t really gotten a chance to reflect on some of the most important thoughts I’ve held onto for most of my life.
So, here it goes.
Perspective is what makes something either poison or honey
Why do we suffer?
Is it because we’re cursed? Is it because the world is working against us?
Yes, that’s exactly it.
I’m kidding, of course.
Sometimes I have felt like that, sure, but that’s what we call the poisonous mindset.
It starts with a single thought that becomes another, and then another, and it slowly works its way to every other aspect of you, like a poison. It compromises your judgment, and as a result of what you think, you modify your actions and your health pays the price for it.
We’re putting the blame on something else so that we effectively have no responsibility to change our circumstances.
That’s not exactly true, though, is it? We are the only ones responsible for how our lives turn out, and our current situation is nothing but a reflection of everything we’ve been thinking of, doing, feeling, and believing, for our entire lives.
How about developing a habit to embrace the honey mindset, instead?
We face great adversity because we need to see how far we can go. Only by testing our limits can we go beyond them, and only by showing up every single day do we become better versions of who we were yesterday.
The Pit of Despair: Your Chance To Rise Again
The term “Pit of Despair” was originally used as a name to describe a very unethical animal experiment that was designed to help us understand clinical depression.
In the world of Silicon Valley Startups, though, or social media influencing, that term means something else entirely.
When you have a successful launch, you become viral for a very few brief moments. Blogs and news outlets won’t stop talking about what you’ve done. This can last anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks, and it can be exciting. You attract a lot of attention, and this makes business pop. After a while, though, you’re thrown into the pit; you become yesterday’s news, and so if you want that attention, you’ve got to do something attention-worthy again.
So, you’re describing life in general?
Yes, exactly.
If you want a successful ‘launch’ when it comes to loving yourself on a much deeper level, then you’ve got to pursue what your heart is asking for. It also means that you’ve got to consistently show up for yourself as you would for someone you love.
For me, part of loving myself means that I must actively water the garden of my mind by reviewing things on a weekly basis, like those of us who are in a 12-Step program learn to do early on in the stages of recovery.
We ask ourselves:
- Where did I make a mistake?
- Where have I been selfish?
- Where was I dishonest?
- Where was I afraid?
- Where was I at fault?
- Was I resentful?
- Was I selfless with my time today? Who have I helped?
- What would make me feel more spiritually fulfilled?
- Make a list of at least 30 things that make me feel good.
- I feel more energized when…
- Some of the things that make me happy are…
- What do I want to change, and why?
- Why have I not changed these things yet, what short-term pleasure does staying the same give me? [Perhaps it’s the comfort of our misery over the uncertainty of what we might find if we begin to heal].
- What can I tell my past self knowing what I know today?
There are some nights I look at myself in the mirror and say, “We’ve come far, man. All of those challenges survived, I couldn’t have done it without you.” When you look at yourself as your own best friend, I truly believe that there’s nothing you can’t accomplish because you’re not looking for external sources of validation, or for others to ride or die with you.
When I healthily maintain this self-supporting attitude, I emit the same energy when talking with my friends. It’s because I’m not acting for them, I’m simply being myself with them. I’m self-aware enough to know the difference between when I’m happy and healthy, and when I’m brooding and grumpy.
Plus, I know that if I’m not acting like myself when hanging out with friends, then something’s either wrong with the relationship or with my thoughts about that relationship. I shouldn’t feel drained afterward.
Authenticity flows, and it’s never forceful. It’s not distracting, but compelling.
Follow The “HOW” in how to be happy.
In the world of recovery, ‘how’ is short for Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness.
It’s when:
- We’re honest about our defects of character.
- We’re open to living a completely new life that isn’t all about us or our previous selfish ways.
- We’re willing to go to any lengths to live a more fruitful life, which potentially means admitting we’ve been wrong about everything we thought we knew about who we were and the life we’ve been living.
Sit and meditate for just 10 minutes a day, and think to yourself
- What am I grateful for today?
- What do I forgive myself (and others) for today?
- What do I love about who I am?
Think about how much you’ve gone through. You’re still breathing, aren’t you? That speaks to your strength, and it means that you can continue to grow.
Self-love, without self-discipline, does not exist.
When I was at my worst some years ago, I told myself that I wasn’t sure I deserved to be happy. I felt suicidal and thought a lot about the Infamous 27 Club, which is a term that describes how a lot of writers and artists take their lives by the age of 27. I was afraid I’d be one of those people.
Almost immediately, the logical part of me who loves himself replied back:
Listen, man. I get it. You’ve been through a lot and you’ll continue to go through a lot. You don’t think you deserve better? Fine. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t, but then you work to become the man that does deserve more. There are no excuses when it comes to conquering your battles. Either you do what is necessary for a better life, or you’ll suffer a fate much worse than anything you can imagine.
I have been there for myself in times of crisis and in times of happiness. That inner friend is what I encourage you to all find within yourselves. The parent talking to the child within, the soldier and his brother or sister. Call it what you want, but you need to love yourself before you can give that love to someone else. Yes, you can learn to love others before yourself, but the most authentic love is given from experience.
This attitude didn’t come overnight, though. For a long time, I struggled with a lot of self-hate. This self-love was born out of a deep desire to live a more meaningful life, and it was born from repetition. After all, the well-beaten path is the easiest to walk down, right?
There we go again: perspective can be poison or honey.
It is poison to walk down the well-beaten path just because you want to follow the herd.
It is honey to repeat healthy habits over and over again because that well-beaten path will get you to where you need to go. The more you walk down that road of love, the easier it becomes to show up for yourself without seeking answers from others.
Now? I don’t think I understand what self-hate actually means because the self can always evolve, so what is to hate if we can change?
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again.
The person who is afraid of something so much that it prevents them from following their heart will never live life on their own terms.
The only way you’re going to win in life is by doing things that challenge you, that change you.
So, how do you love yourself more? I can’t answer that for you. For me, it simply means just playing the part, showing up, never settling, and always remaining authentic.
The only way out is through, and the art of life is knowing where to look for the answers that have been right in front of us this whole time. Within.
